She is my friend. And she’s beautiful. Next year, shes going to school to do what she is best at: taking care of people. But sometimes i think she needs to do things for herself. She’s got the most warm beautiful smile, but lately it hasn’t been as warm, she tries to cover it up, that beautiful smile. She should never cover it. She brightens peoples days with that smile. I don’t know if she realizes that. Seeing her in the morning and during our one class together always just makes me happy. She makes me laugh. Shes one of my best friends, and I tell her a lot. She understands me. I wish she knew just how wonderful she is, and to never, ever second guess herself. You know who you are, and I love ya girl.

You’re beauty, you’re love, you’re my light. You make me smile each and everyday. I still get butterflies when I look at you, I still get butterflies when you kiss me. It’s a strange feeling, love. It makes you giddy, it makes you lose sleep. There’s a permanent smile on my face now. Though my life was beginning to get back into the swing of things, you just made it better coming back into my life. You picked me up, and dusted me off. When I catch you looking at me, when I catch you smiling for no reason. You make me feel so wonderful, so beautiful. Love does that to you, makes you feel as if you’re floating on water, not treading, but when you get tired of swimming, and you take a break and float on your back, you look up at the big blue sky, the sun smiling down on you, kissing your skin, smooth water all around you, it’s like that. It’s the best feeling in the world. I’d like you to stay, you make me smile.

so tonight i called you, and i told you. i told you that it was me and him again. you were quiet. you asked me who wanted it. and i told you he did, but i knew what i was doing. i asked you if you were dissappointed, because your tone of voice changed, you told me no, you were just…concerned. sure, i understand. you are my father, you dont want anyone hurting me or him taking me away from you. but that is never going to be the case. you’ll always be my father, and the one i always have looked up to and love so unconditionally. i love you more than anything. but you became quiet. and i didnt know how to keep the conversation going after that. i love you, and you dont agree with my choice. but i am a teenager, i make descions that you may not agree with, but i care about him very much. and i made this choice to be with him. i hope you understand eventually.

So I went for a run today. I huffed and puffed all the way to the end of my road. Rugby hasn’t been at the top of my list lately, so I am not in as good shape as I was a couple weeks ago. But I got out and did it. I went in a circle around my house, about 25 minutes walking, half on paved road, half in the back forest with a trail that has been completely overgrown. I ran halfway to the end of the cement road and walked for the rest of it. I breathed in the clean air, in and out, in and out. I could feel myself relaxing. Now when you get to the forested part of the circle, there is the path to get home and another path . Now if you didn’t live around here, you wouldn’t have been able to tell there was a path there. We’ve lived here for two years, and I have taken this circle route many times, but have never walked on this path. I stopped in the middle of the fork and contemplated whether I should go today. There might be bears, I thought. Or it might lead to my neighbors property. I hesitated, but went through with it. I pushed away the flowered bushes, breathing in the spring air, filled with curiosity and wonder. What’s back there? I heard birds wings softly swishing in the air, jumped a little a few times from stirring in the bushes, but got to a beautiful grassy area. All around me were birds chirping and singing, the sound of wind through the air, rustling grass. I was peace. I smiled to myself, and headed back, feeling like Alice in wonderland. I walked home through the tall grasses beside my property’s large pond, feeling content.

We were driving, on the bus, it was raining. I was asleep in your lap, probably drooling, we were listening to my iPod, to Mumford and sons. I woke up from my nap, feeling groggy, but stayed in your lap. I felt so close to you that whole weekend, though I wasn’t with you all the time. I liked that. I liked the feeling of closeness even if we weren’t together. I was laying on your lap, enjoying the
moment and thinking about just how happy I was, debating whether I should tell you or not. A minute later, you took my iPod and spelled in capital letters, YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. Silent tears streamed down my face, though I didn’t show you. We began typing things to each other, you told me the sweetest things and I felt I was on top of the world, you make me feel on top of the world. I have read and reread the words on the screen, over and over. It makes me feel calm when I feel insecure or stressed. It makes me feel lucky to have someone so wonderful and lovely in my life, who cares so much. I missed you. And I love you.

So I’m watching a tv show last night. And it’s a season finale, a graduation episode. Everyone’s got their dresses ready, suits ready and pressed. One couple who are engaged to be married after the graduation ceremony. They’re all preparing to day their goodbyes, and starting their new lives. They have no idea what’s in store for them, many don’t know what they’re doing still. I’m in that boat. I don’t know what my plan is. I have a vague plan, but it isn’t set in stone. And that scares me. The unknown scares the hell out of me. It’s the what if’s? And where do I go? How does it all work? And then there’s you. Though eventually we’ll believing in the same city, with schools near each other, I’m terrified of what’s to come, though at the same time excited. I’ll I’ve to say goodbye to many of my friends, though I know I’ll make new ones and meet so many new people. But it still all scares me so much. I guess I’ll just have to jump in to all of it. Head first, with no turning back. I can do it…. Right?

I got an email this morning. It was from a university I thought I’d apply for, but later realized It really was not a good fit for me. Now I’m an okay student. I haven’t been doing the best I could be this year, but I do try. The email said that my grades were under the specified standards. Though I had already decided not to go to this school, it was not what I wanted to hear. I way to be the person that does well in school without trying, takes all the hard classes. Now I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a student that needs many answers. I like English, I like psychology, I like music. I like creativity. That’s just who I am. And there really is no point for me to be striving to be someone who I’m not. So I need to decide what I want. There is one more month of school. What do I want to do?

I have a cold. A nasty, dry throat, stuffy nose, achy cold. He came over yesterday morning, the day after our grad trip. We watched movies and ate food and did nothing. The rain poured outside while I sat under a blanket with tea and soup, him on the couch beside me, we were both exhausted after a full day of traveling. It was a nice day.